It was the last week of the seemingly low-key month of an year, September. But behold the beautiful sunshine! I had just watched a brilliant video on our indulgence in compulsions (imposed mainly by the marketing industry backed by the current notions of economic development) rather than what we really want to do. It was also during this time, that I had resumed playing Valorant after almost 3 years and also started watching a new web series on Netflix.
A small digression on my lifestyle until that week is in order. The institute where I am doing my masters, has an unreasonably rigid academic program, non-conducive admin and teaching staff with poor quality food provided to students on a daily basis. Naturally, it’s hard to strive in this environment. We crash often, but we keep going. But the opportunities and the diversity is something that keeps us sane, giving us new experiences often. With my own privileges (and lack of) I was able to do a few things in my free time. Throughout the the first four years, I have been interested in Film and Sports like long distance running and badminton. I was also keen about journaling my life, indulging a little on philosophy of life. It was natural to journal whatever I can and express my thoughts/emotions out somewhere, given the amount of hurdles life in general throws at us. I was maintaining a Gsite where I used to blog.
Back to the last week of September - let’s call it the FALL (pun intended), the mid-semester exams were right around the corner. See, the fifth year is new. We have two courses and one two-and-a-half courses worth (credit wise) thesis project. Gauging the efforts I needed to put into each of them took some time. After a few weeks of lessons, I was able to work well on my thesis and understood my level of commitment to the Astrophysics course I had been doing. Mathematics course was a little tricky because of not so great teaching, and my own math baggage (or lack of). But by the FALL, I was enjoying working on my thesis, and it was a genuine pleasure to work harder. I think a week or two before the FALL, I had an intense week of pleasure and hard work with my thesis, I worked through lots of calculations and understood many subtle concepts. But the probably drove me nuts soon. I crashed in the FALL. I had exams to prepare, but I was just addicted to playing valorant and watching some web series. I wrote about this week heavily in my field notes which arrived just in time, during the FALL, on the 24th of September.
This is where it all began. It’s best if I quote myself from the field notes first to introduce the subject of this blog.
[24.09.2024] So today, I’m floating between the thesis obligations and mid-sem reading. I feel a little depressed. I also feel that I am not yet healed from the last week’s hustle. Actually I just need to be honest with my journey to sir, instead of feeling sad about it! In fact that what I’m gonna do, I’ll just mail him about this. Also, taking care of ourself is important, more than we realize. Today I cooked rasam and a curry, and I felt the calm of care. It feels good to take care, even if you have ditched the work sometimes.
I should be honest with myself too … ask questions about what and why I am feeling the way I’m feeling rather than escaping. So Shubhang why and what’s bothering you?
[25.09.2024] Am I tired of the hustle? My compulsions are acting out like never before. Am I not getting good food? Well, absolutely yes. More? Lack of community/friends like me? Loneliness? Indeed one of the reasons! So Food, hustle and loneliness! How do I manage to function well amidst all these? What can I do? These are connected too! One makes the other problem worse. You cook food to take care of yourself, and the next moment you need to hustle to catch up acads. And the next moment your realize you are feeling lonely doing this again and again not spending time with your friends! So I take the easy option of lying on my bed all day. I have my exam on friday, yet I’m dodging all the reading I ‘wanted’ to do… I wish I could do the things I wanted to. And now I want to read the book - “the Art of Self-Therapy”. But again I want to read now but I might not want to read later! But what matters? Now right? - So I should just commit to something? Nah it not just about that… It’s also about being bale to set proper boundaries in life… Rather than wishing people with whom I can be myself, I need to be myself and be abe to live the way I want to even with others. “Living with Boundaries” - probably the most important ingredient for being able to do things one ‘wants’ to…
[29.09.2024] Back then we were connected by disconnectedness, but now we’re disconnected by the connectedness*. (Trigger: The community theatre performence in Ann with an E and a converstation with Abha about current disconnection in the world.)
It is also important to mention that I have been very passionate about human psychology and therapy, and started reading on it since the summer, after I watched Sex Education and also read the book I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki. I had also found another gem - The Art of Self-Therapy at the Kolkata Airport. I gave my exams with very little preparation, and I was happy that the mid-sem recess began. It was time to see what was happening to me and deal with my metal status.
On the 1st of October, my exams were over, and I raged over Valorant for the rest of the day, till the midnight. My plan for vacation was to do meaningful things, like reading books or folding/making paper e.t.c. And the video about compulsions I linked earlies, was in the background. The next day in order to facilitate my interests in living more intentionally, I did something crazy.
[02.10.2024] So, I officially ditched internet from my room! This will continue until the recess is over. And I’ll take a call after that. I’ll blog of course … … I want to basically understand the Disconnection vs Connection and Compulsion vs Contentment situation of this modern world better….
Oh and also, I’ll make efforts to connect with the world in more physical ways instead of internet, like
Newspaper
Magazines at the library
Talking to Dinner Ritual + Ganesh
Playing regularly in team like the ole days
So yeah, I started to live without an active LAN connection in my room. I started to treat papers with MC to fold them better, and I also resumed reading the self-therapy book. Firstly, there was an “anxiety of to do”. I wrote,
It’s going to take time for loosening up, melting away and calmy do the things which make me content.
Consumption of the marketed material was an easy choice to make, when I was tired working through acads a lot, especially amidst already present disconnections. During the recess, after a while of reading books or treating paper, the anxiety kicks back in and there is a conscious background chatter making me anxiously ask myself what to do next. It was definitely weird to have such emotions.
Hmm, LONELINESS! Here it is! So yeah, one of the major things that breakdown such practices is loneliness. We can do many compulsive things to get out of it … which is a good thing but it encourages our mind to do it more,… even when unnecessary…Now, I feel the need to connect to people and have a meaningful time with someone. Should I play Valorant? Or should I go to library and read some material?
How about I start slow? Today I already did most of the day without internet. Tomorrow I can start reading, playing too! Newspaper/Magazine… If I play now, I might feel better tomorrow too! Let’s see!
There were many issues that kept popping up in this quest to understand the disconnections and compulsions and to live a more intentional live rather than the one that we are marketed over, either by society or industries. In retrospect, what I was doing is basically breaking away from my addictions and identify the major disconnections in my life! I read in the book “Lost Connections”- addiction is the opposite to connection!
So starting from October, my life has been very revealing. By disconnecting the internet and thus probably the world - I did a crazy thing to connect, my own meaningful values got strengthened, I started taking more walks, writing more via my field notebook, started to appreciate reading books more and more, was able to dial down my consumption by a lot, slow life values developed further. It has been a very rich experience with so many frustrating emotions.
What’s amazing is that during that quest, I found the book Lost Connections, for which I had the time to devour this winter break! The author talks about many disconnection prevailing in the current world causing depression and anxiety in humans.
These events shaped me very deeply in the past few months. Disconnection being the major theme, I found two book helping me see this journey better - Lost Connections and Feeling Seen. In the next blog on this subject, I will delve deeper into various experiences I had and understand them in the framework of the above two books (our need for connection and the current disconnection) and note many lifestyle changes that took place in the past few months. There will also be another blog related to disconnection faced at home with family after visiting home after such significant changes at personal level.
Au revoir!