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The surgery pushed me to the rock bottom of my physical capacity to bear things and do things! I never had such a painful event before and such a daunting recovery curve. It’s been 2 weeks since the surgery now, and I have had many thoughts in that time.
With almost no energy left in me to do anything else than resting, or basically zero energy to do academic work - I realized how much different things were before the surgery. More crucially, to the extent which I was in the completely opposite spectrum of energy - the amount of energy it took me to do the academic work, Is it worth doing it for such a long period?. I might have to do it even after this year, that’s how academia looks like. Will it even pay off? I don’t even know if I could fit in. Because I have no experience of fitting in. I refused to follow even the most simple of things in academia: internships.
Wouldn’t it just be far better if I find more grounded/industrial/9-5 job on top of which I can add my own personal lively interests? Of course the pay needs to be good. Anything less than a lack is probably poor. It’s so much about the environment I’m staying in too. So muchhhh, there is hardly any grounded-ness, any thought on what they are doing.
Again, I ask all this because I see how much it takes to show up and read and do that work everyday. ANd when the body is not in the right spirits physically and mentally - its just impossible toi do it.
Why do I have to work this much. Of course things would have been better if the faculty at the institute did a better job at teaching, if there were better attendance rules, and a more liberal system in place along with a well established placement cell. I don’t have to blame myself for all this. That’s true, but I think what we all end up doing is taking responsibility for correcting that systemic damage that the institute does. We take it in our own hands to network, work hard, work smart, reach out, and settle.
Everyone has their way of taking that responsibility, because in the end, Institute doesn’t give a shit. You gotta make your own future. So yeah, everyone deals with it in their own ways. But everyone has a different agency using which they are able to carve out their trajectories. Some network like crazy, some fluidly move between projects - gaining good credentials and proving themselves worthy for the future opportunities. Some rely on the people who can guide them, who can just give an opportunity, give them a chance to showcase their work. Not everyone has an agency to network, not everyone has an agency to depend on people, not everyone has enough strength to fight, not everyone may find people, Of course, agency can be developed - but I don’t think it can come out of nowhere. It comes from a childhood education, family dynamics, friendship dynamics and through the interaction and outlook on the world.
We all just need that kindness towards our agencies (or lack thereof) don’t we; we don’t wanna be pushed around breaking our bones to mend them and that itself I think is an essential prerequsite to develop a new agency to do things.
I did not have that agency to network. And I did not have the agency to fluidly move around potential projects. I did not have the practical understanding of the world to be able to convince myself to do those things. I neither had a direct faith on the social norms. I was a person with values. And I also get driven by my emotions. Its this combination of lack of long-term (starting from childhood) pracitcal understanding of world and a heightened sense of intensity and intentions in living a meaningful life - that lead me to disconnect and craft my own path. But I recognized that its together with people that we are able to go far, and I tried to reach out. I did. I talked.
I even applied to few places for projects, it’s not like I didn’t. I just did it in a very grounded way, away from the noise of practical applications. I call it noise, because that’s how I hear it. I have a natural frequency of working. And one thing I am certain is that I can’t possibly change that natural academic frequency.
That was a foray into my agency (and lack thereof). I took things independently.
What am I more broadly getting at is, how does taking responsibility for the systemic damage that the institute did look like for me? How am I taking the responsibility to get up, and move, to try for a career in academia?
Staying within the natural frequency band of my academic working, I laid out an ambitious mathematical physics dream. Of course, a lot of my struggles come not only from my personal agency but also the field I’m interested in. One hell of a field, which is
So after reading and surfing and listening to many, many mathematicians and physicists and some history, I gained a strong perspective about this subject. So, I laid out an ambitious dream:
This dream clearly is a HUGE work. It asks so much from me. And it’s something that I WANT to do! I am currently in the mere first part of the first goal. To master some basic mathematics.
Again, this is a LOT OF WORK. And it’s unconventional. It’s impractical by the looks. But at every step I tend to think about to make it into a more practical step. And I think it is possible.
It’s just LOT OF WORK. And I don’t want to do academics like any other way. This is the path I have landed on to go forward in academia.
Coming back to the point I was trying to make… With the agency I HAVE and the values I hold - making the above ambitious dream come true is my way of taking that responsibility to build a strong career. I know for a fact that the above dream if realized reasonably, will pave strong chances for me in academia. But it takes a lot, not just effort, but also time.
And let me go into the mindset which it takes for me to show up and read everyday as a scholar. It feels like I use my 100% bain power every time I sit. Of course there are times, when the brain is not that braining, so I reduce the load and do a very small piece of thing with again at a 100% brain capacity (of course I mean based on perception, not at the physiological level of brain capacity).
I may be dumb, but I am able to make deductions, solve exercises, and connect theoretical frameworks. I may be just intrinsically slow. I might not have the IQ of a person who would work fast, and yet sticking to the scholarly values. Of course it depends on the kind of work too. And the kind of thinking you want to do or built to do. So I have my own way to think about things, and with whatever intelligence and value system I have, its fun. And I think it can be productive too. But I can’t claim the productiveness yeah? My employer will get to judge that…
So, I feel it’s a lot. Of course, I am saying this while I am situated in the spectrum where I am not yet fuly energized to give my 100%.
Those were some details about my way of taking the responsibility. But is it worth it? Is it worth putting every minute of my productive time to this dream?
Its not just the time. Its the intensity of that time, that constant living under the high stakes situation of giving everything I got and still being unsure if this is all gonna work out - although hoping it would…
Shouldn’t I chose something which can be a little easir and less pushy. The above dream pushes me too much. Should I really live in such a push everyday?
Can’t I choose to do something more easier and secure. Something I know if I put reasonable work in, I can succeed? Unlike this grand dream to which I need to give ALL my energy?
Can’t I make a switch to industry? One of the industries I am interested in is Climate Change and sustainability/Green Tech/Energy/… I can still work on my ambituious dreams on the side! Because from my experience doing such an intense academic work takes a LOOOOONG time!!! In two years I can actually land a job which is meaningful, less hustle and bustle and breathable.
Yeah!
Even if I enter academia I will need to fight the tide.
But with a small shift in career focus, I can rely on a system like Azim Premji which removes a lot of weight on me to preserve the values against the tide, and actually join a tide which is matching the frequency!
I basically want to conclude by questioning.
Why should I hold myself responsible to the extent that it takes every ounce of sweat and blood in me to get out of that systemic damage that the institute has created? I can draw a line. That, as a career the institute has not served ME a practical/career purpose and I can if it gets too much switch to something different where there is less fight with the tide and more alinging with the values.
I feel like this is the healthy choice to make. Rather than giving every ounce of sweat, blood and time to the dream - I can go kinder and settle with something. Of course the questions of the pay scale and other practicalities are there to figure out. But I need to first give myself an agency to even come out of the linear thinking about the career.
I have some ideas of independent scholarly work in math-physics on the side, and perhaps a monetary plan too ;).
I value my personal time and I think its reasonable to cahnge careers now. I am just preparing to get into industry. A kind of industry which needs some training and a place like APU would be a dream place to do it. I need to discuss this idea with many people of course. Parents, friends, faculty …
That’s it for now. I don’t have to take the responsibility to correct things till death. I can accept and shift the weights.
(25/10/2025)
After writing the above last night, I spent a lot of time learning about industry. I started with BARC. Let’s start with an evaluation on that.
The most important catch: the 3-year agreement and indemnity bond.
Firstly, I wanted to look into a day in the life of a BARC scientific officer or even the first year training period. The relevant work for a physics masters student would be to work on Nuclear physics research. And there is an option of RSES, the radiation safety and environmental science aspect also. The idea of researching on Nuclear science related stuff, and especially realted to handling the spectrometers, reactor physics and all that doesn’t ignite me at alll.
On the other hand for example, the idea of working in a Met dept. is very exciting. Although it could be mundane, but the genre is nice.
I want to search for opportunities here. As of now, I am excited towards learning about climate change properly which can enable me to write the entrace test of APU for the masters programme in Climate change and suatainability (CCS). This industry is nice because it is a mix of very broad fields. And very grounded thing to work on.
APU has crafted this MSc programme in a beautiful way. Their website details, a 5-series webinar on where are the jobs in the CCS sector, and the institute itself - education for social change, and just remarkable intellectual and human power house for social change.
I realized that I have already developed a narrative on acedmia and figured my groove in it. Like I know how do I want to (and thus how to) go about securing a career in academia. But for the industry, I need to up-skill a little on various grounds, and enter formally into the Linkedin sector of career, and seek new networks and yeah, basically start another genre of efforts.
Of course nothing is easy. And it is scary to enter this new genre of efforts. But I am still positive that this APU’s MSc degree is a nice thing. If there are lucrative job options after it I might be really up for it!!
Anyway, let me go ahead with both my academics and learning about CCS (according to the APU guide for the test, which covers a broad overview of aspects of CCS one needs to know before joining the programme), while also figuring out these industry related thoughts.
Green tech is really LOVE. It seems grounded. Seems like a relevant ladder, without having climb all the way down… Let me pivot around this for few months! Until 14th of December perhaps.
Less goo… Let’s put most of our efforts on Abstract Algbera, Linear Algebra, and Analysis II in a day with an hour or two at most on CCS awareness study.